Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Daily Cup of Tea

Bite No 69

 A true story of a broken relationship and lessons learnt. Discover some thriller real life stories in matrimonial intrigues and tips on how to let go and transmute adversity in life into plenty. Key soul ranging ideas to decode the combination lock to life challenges and see your dreams and aspirations come true.

A relationship in which one partner seeks to estrange the family members of the other spouse is toxic. Make it abundantly clear what family values mean to you to your unwelcoming partner and give room and time to make amends. If it doesn't change for the better that relationship might not be for you. There is no need to sugar-code anything in false pretense else you set yourself up for an inevitable time bomb.
Daily Cup of Tea

Bite No 70

It is not that you don’t have the time to do what matters!
It is that you fail to prime your time and chime the rhythm of your activities.
If you prime an empty pump, what product do you expect from it?
All isn't lost: make today count! Plan your work and work your plan every day!

Your life is in your hands. its your eggs, take care or break them. It's up to you!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Upcoming Book. Bite No 2

Elegy in a Lost Love

I seat here in my cold and lonely glare.
A glare and quake into the darkness mire;
I hated Infidelity but I fell prey to its snare.
Now it’s time to meditate the quagmire.
Never shall I know why I had to dare!

Boo! I feel the pain!! Like a razor slice!!!
Like Lucifer in the dungeon of Hellfire Square.
I hope to see the end; I’ m paying the price.
How I wish I could reach out and share.
I faltered; what a giant misstep! Here’s the prize.  

 Now, I cry over spilled milk without a smile.
The answer blows in the wind; nothing to spare.
Only time shall tell. The pain runs in my spine.
 I’m still searching for a reason to give it a square.
Am not alone in this; Vulture cares not; not a dime!

Here’s the Fruit with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, I care!
Love lost and not found. Still looking, hoping to find.
Was it by design or by default? I had no time to prepare.
I seeked forgiveness and forgetfulness to combine:
Forgiveness came my way; luckily, Nkong cared.

As for forgetfulness, it’s hard to come by; it’s divine!
As I leak my self-inflicted wounds, I self-declare:
And promise myself to quit unfaithfulness quite.
God, be my helper, the harbinger of my conclave.
Let me find solace and space to lay low and hide.

Away, Thunder of Infidelity in my next love-cave.
When I say ‘I do’, I’ll mean it; never to despise.
Come on love. I’m in solitude. I solicit and crave.
Now, I’ve the eagle’s eye, no more will I throw the dice!
Believe me; I will keep the promise; I’ll dare; I am brave!

Miss Riddle Lost Love

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

My Upcoming Book. Bite No 1

It is not what he or she does to you;
It’s how you handle what is done to you.
How you handle it is either
The mantle of fortitude or
The saddle of destitute;
Choose the right attitude paddle,
It keeps the right aptitude candle burning.
Run with it and cradle high altitudes of life.
Don’t meddle with it! The choice is yours!

OTA 07/10/13

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Asaah's Law

Asaah’s Law: “Nothing is ever done if we have to wait for everyone to be convinced that it ought to be done and does not need to be convinced for so long that time runs out to do something else.” Oliver Asaah

Asaah’s Law Explained

Never wait for approval from other people to carry out projects that matter to you and that you care about. If you wait for their approval, it will take forever and time will run out especially as time waits for no one.

If there is a change you have to make, go ahead and make it happen; after all people are usually resistant to change whereas it might be that change that will see you through the deep waters of your desires and the most soul-searching dreams and aspirations of your life. Wait for no one! How much do other people have for you and your life? The sobering answer is: NOT MUCH.

You might as well ignore their rather ignominious interventions and contraventions. Take your route and do everything to be a student rather than be a follower. 

Students take information, assimilate it, add their own wit to it and apply it in a careful manner. On the other hand, followers run after the footprints of the leader sometimes sheepishly and often ignore the new dispensations; Ingenuity is usually not their best asset.

Correct knowledge applied correctly is power. Wisdom is simply the wary application of knowledge not to garnish or adorn your window but to enable motivated and sustained efforts come to fruition. The ultimate goal here is to accomplish your dreams in life. That is the underlining morale embedded in Asaah’s Law.

Oliver Asaah

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

7 Things Women Wish They'd Known Before Marriage

By YourTango Experts

This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Laurie Weiss.

The New York Times reported that over half of the births to US women younger than 30 occurred outside of marriage in 2009. Most of the ongoing rise of births to unmarried women occurred to couples living together but unmarried. So why don’t these young women want to get married?

New York Times experts speculate on a number of economic reasons in a follow-up article in the Motherlode section. They reported that many young parents said “they would like to be married but not now and not to each other.”

The research I did for my forthcoming book, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do: Your Guide to a Successful and Fulfilling Marriage suggests other important reasons that young women don’t feel ready to marry.

Here are seven of the areas that the women who answered my question, “What is the most important thing you wish you had known before you were married?” mentioned most frequently.

  1. I wish I’d known what marriage is really like.

Many of these women got most of their information (really misinformation) about what marriage was supposed to be like from the media and they believed it until reality struck.

  1. I wish I’d known more about myself.

These women had very little idea of who they were or would like to be when they were not trying to please the people around them.

  1. I wish I hadn’t been in such a hurry so I could’ve taken the time I needed.

These women feel pressure to marry prematurely both internally from themselves and from others.

  1. I wish I knew just how much family patterns could influence us.

These women were so surprised by how difficult it was to blend their own ideas with their husbands’ family influenced ideas of what marriage was supposed to be like.

  1. I wish I’d known that bad behavior can get worse.

This very common response came from women who made excuses for their fiancĂ©’s behavior before marriage. They were surprised that they weren’t able to change it.

  1. I wish I’d paid a whole lot more attention to money.

Some women surprised themselves by how capably they managed money once they were forced to do so. Others realized how they have given away their power by not taking joint responsibility for the couple’s money.

  1. I wish I’d known what it really takes to makes a marriage work.

Many of these women shared the challenges they had met in the lessons they’ve learned along the way to help them eventually make their marriages work.

Perhaps, the young women who are not marrying even after they become pregnant are aware of what they don’t know. They may be delaying marriage until they have the opportunity to mature and learn more about what they need to know to create a successful and stable marriage in the future. Unfortunately, the responsibilities of parenthood may make it even more difficult for them to learn about themselves and take the time that they need to prepare for marriage.

In any case, both New York Times articles show that couples who are living together split up at twice the rate of couples who commit to marriage. This leaves the children at higher risk of behavioral and emotional problems than children who grow up in a stable and secure environment. The choices these women are making may be self-protective and help them avoid difficult marriages. These choices may also prevent them from having the opportunity to grow and mature by solving the natural challenges that occur in marriage.

The information that’s been shared by some of the women who answered my question suggests that they highly value the lessons they’ve learned in creating long-term, stable and happy marriages.
If you really want to know more about what it takes to make a marriage work, my 60 minute MP3 Audio: Secrets of Relationship Development and my popular E-Book: 24 Tips for Having a Great Relationship are my gifts for you

curled from  Psych Central

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Confidence Steam Engine

 “Those who do not know the difference between confidence and arrogance are always intimidated by confident people.” Author Unknown.

Confidence is an indispensable ingredient in the equation or the formula of success. I really mean self confidence here. Confidence is very important because the lack of it is going to   make you susceptible to the influence of negative outside forces.

Fear is a myth, to conquer it, is to demystify fear. Zig Ziglar says FEAR stand for: False Evidence Appearing Real. It is that devilish force that holds back every living being from living to their full potential.

 Lack of self confidence and the fear of risk taking are the reason why the cemetery is the richest place wherever you go in the world irrespective of culture, race or color: the dead went into their graves with their music still in them. They parted with their potential untapped and it will never be tapped ever. Now that you choose to read this work and now know about this semblance of a revelation, would you choose to go to your grave with your music still in you?

Well, it is your choice; but you will not venture to lie to your creator, or your super being that you were not aware of your potential and the steps you could take to explore and exploit your potential. You will not lie that you did not have the means because by the end of this work, you will have known exactly what you need to do to live to your full potential. The writer pledges to be available to help you all the way. I am just a phone call, an email, a website or a workshop away.

Albert Einstein said that no matter how smart you are or how long you ponder, you can never be sure how a watch works unless you look inside. He spots it right on. How would you know your potential without venturing into the realm of your abilities and capabilities?  More so, how would you venture into the fabric of your being and possibilities without vesting, harnessing and instilling self confidence?

 Self confidence is the mantle of imagination and the cradle of hope; without the former, we cannot dream and without the latter, we are dead-living.  Think of a steam engine for second: that was the dream of Thomas Savery.

Thomas Savery was an English military engineer and inventor who in 1698 patented the first crude
steam engine, based on Denis Papin's Digester or pressure cooker of 1679.

Thomas Savery had been working on solving the problem of pumping water out of coal mines, his machine consisted of a closed vessel filled with water into which steam under pressure was introduced. This forced the water upwards and out of the mine shaft. Then a cold water sprinkler was used to condense the steam. This created a vacuum which sucked more water out of the mine shaft through a bottom valve.

Self confidence is like the steam engine. You are the closed vessel, your will to pilot the vessel is the pressure, your energy is the water, your nutrition and exercise is the sprinkler, and outside forces is the vacuum.

Once you have vested and harnessed the vessel, the will, water and nutrition and exercise, which are the constituent elements of self confidence, the last part which is the vacuum or the outside forces are more likely to be favorable to you. Even some of the outside forces that might be adverse will not kill you; rather, they will make you stronger. Outside forces (vacuum) can never be dominant once all other parts of the confidence puzzle or the team engine are in place.

Once the steam engine is in place, the next step is to improve on it through consistency and persistency. Let’s take a look at Thomas Newcomen’s atmospheric steam engine.

The Newcomen steam engine used the force of atmospheric pressure to do the work. Thomas Newcomen's engine pumped steam into a cylinder. The steam was then condensed by cold water which created a vacuum on the inside of the cylinder. The resulting atmospheric pressure operated a piston, creating downward strokes. In Newcomen's engine the intensity of pressure was not limited by the pressure of the steam, unlike Thomas Savery’s earlier invention.

 An impeccant measure of self confidence will inadvertently and invariably lead to trust, help and care from outside forces. Your possibilities become limitless: that is analogical to Newcomen’s improvement on Savery’s steam engine in that, the Newcomen engine was not limited by the pressure of the steam since it gathered more energy from the atmosphere.

Self confidence is the mantle of imagination and the cradle of hope; without the former, we cannot dream and without the latter, we are dead-living.  Self confidence is not a one short exercise. It is a short gun house. If you fail to feed it, it will starve to death. It has to be active, it is a verb: you must continue building on it through personal development. It is more or less like motivation that easily fades away when you stop fueling it with fresh energy.

A study has suggested that 95% of our all behavior is done without conscious thought. Are we sleep-walking 95% of our life? It is the programming of our subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind tele-guides our behavior which reflects in our actions and omissions. That is why it is crucial to reprogram our subconscious mind and turn around disempowering programs into empowering ones and treat or cure ourselves of inadvertent waste of our energy and abilities. Reprogramming the subconscious mind gives us the chance to bring ourselves to the level conscious consciousness in our daily events. Read more on the subconscious reprogramming chapter.

Outside forces will make you go astray in your journey to success since most people are out there for themselves and reserve little or nothing for you and your responsibilities. It is human nature to seek and strive for self interest. That is the DNA of all living beings.

Most people are yet to understand and tap into the 4th habit well outlined in Stephen R. Covey’s book: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The fourth habit states: Think Win-Win. The win-win philosophy is not just some little technique or some nice little phrase. A win-win person has an abundance mentality: his or her paradigm of life is that there is plenty out there for everybody.

 It simply means that you don’t have to be cutthroat to succeed in your mission; just live and let live! You do not have to put someone down in order to go up. Conversely, when you lift others up, you go up and when you push others down, you go down with them. For example, there is no way you can push someone down on the floor and keep him down without staying down with him.

 Once it borders on self confidence, never let yourself become prone to the will of others against your own will. To ensure this you must plan your work and work your plan! If you don’t have plans for yourself, you will fall into other people’s plans! That is the real meaning of the adage that an idle mind is the devil’s workshop.

In response to Matt Morris’ question, Wayne Nugent stated as follows:

“Matt, do you want to know the reason why people follow me? There is only one reason and one reason only. The reason why I’m a great sales person, the reason why I’m a great speaker , and the reason why I can recruit the best sales people to work for me all boils down to one thing that I have more than anyone I know  - confidence” the emphasis is mine.

Nevertheless, do not confuse your will power in your own project with general interest or group endeavors. With the latter, general interest decisions prevail in communion with what ever are the parameters that are generally accepted as the modus operandi.

The question to start with is: who is the most important person in your life on this planet earth? The automatic (thoughtless) answer is you. If the most important person is you, then you have the full power and ability to be your best friend or your worst enemy. You are the master pilot. Whichever of the two ways you choose; others will take the hue and cue from you. Norman Vincent Pearle put it succinctly: “others will unconsciously take you at your own self-appraisal.”

If the image or picture you have of yourself is healthy and positive, you are your best friend and you can be whatever you desire to be. It must be a burning desire. Not just what you want to be. Just wanting something is not enough; remember in economics, wants are just incidentals that you can live your life successfully whether you have them or not. On the other hand, needs are those commodities that you cannot do without them; you need them for your daily survival.

Conversely, if the image you have of yourself is unhealthy or negative, you are your own worst enemy. Teddy Roosevelt said it best: “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission”. If you think less of yourself, others will copy from you and take you to be inferior. You wouldn’t make yourself bananas, would you? If you did, monkeys would eat you.

You have to be at piece with yourself in order to be at piece with other people. You have to be your best friend and then treat others as your best friends. Psychologist, Dr. Han Solo  says: “If in dealing with people and we treat them as if they were our best friends, we shall get along with a lot more people, be accepted by a lot more people and as a result our self-image will remarkably improve.”

 In order to be trusted, you must trust others first. Remember the question everyone is asking is: what is it for me? That is at the center of salesmanship and we are all in sales directly or indirectly. Why would anyone ask that question? It is because we are naturally selfish. That is a fact and a universal principle. We always first take care of self before taking care of the other.

There is an Nweh proverb that says: if you are carrying your baby and sitting by the fireside and suddenly there a burst in the heath and two pieces of hot burning wood jump and one drops on your lap and the other drops on your baby’s lap, you will remove yours first and the baby’s second.

That is instinct and genetic code. Any other consideration comes as an afterthought. That is exactly how the human being and every other life form respond to stimuli. That is why in helping any other person apart from you, it has to be intentional. Consequently, the logic behind the concept that intention precedes attention is profound. Understanding and applying that concept plays a huge role in setting priorities and ensuring impeccable accomplishments.

A negative image will stifle your efforts from fructifying.  A negative image robs the beholder of energy and it is counter –productive. Never see yourself in the light or in the picture of other people. No two people are the same; not even the so-called identical twins. Everyone person is unique – that is your DNA.

Your uniqueness therefore makes you stand apart from the rest of the crowd. Discerning this reality and refraining from peer and other outside negative influence is primordial in building self confidence.   You have to count first on your own efforts in order to expect a true ram of accomplishments.  How would you expect a true ram of accomplishments counting principally on others?

Remember the story of the Siamese or conjoined twins. As adults, they were tired of living together and opted to separate from each other at the risk of their lives. The surgery to separate them was unsuccessful and they passed away; at least, they were at peace with themselves when they passed on.

They were supposed to be identical twins generated and conceived from the same ovary; yet they had different personalities and wanted their freedom so bad even at the point of death. The point is; no one can love you more than you love yourself. Therefore, you have your best interest at heart than any one may claim to be.

Charles B. Rouss says: “Not in time, place, or circumstances, but in the person lies success.”

Generally, people are a trip and they will trip on you. Treasure yourself and people will treasure you. The way you carry yourself, respect yourself; I really mean self confidence will determine your output. Do not mistake this for a super inflected self ego that can lead to vaulting ambition that may over leap itself and fall on the side.

 Our ego is our silent partner – too often with a controlling interest,” Cullen Hightower. So we need to watch out for a selfish controlling ego that may impede our ability to integrate the general good – the service we set out to do for others.

It is not the things we get, but the hearts we touch that will measure our success in life”, Anonymous.

How do you build self confidence? It lies in personal development.

Psychologist, Terry Bradshaw says it as follows: “The life of a winner is the result of an unswerving commitment to a never ending process of self completion”. I will go further to define commitment; it is doing what you said you would do long after the feeling with which you made that declaration has left you. It is commitment that transforms a promise into a reality.

I believe attitude is what sets us apart from animals. Animals are beings that change their minds quiet abruptly and frequently. They are often more erratic than pragmatic. Even then, a starving lion would not give up on its prey once it sets out to hunt. To the lion, it is a necessity rather than rationality; it is a choice between life and death; it either preys on its victim or it dies of starvation. The latter is not an option.

Remember that carnivores unlike herbivores, generally only prey on fresh flesh. There is no carnivorous hay! Consequently, they set out hunting only when they are already hungry. This means that they have to have a high degree of commitment in consonance with acute tenacity and perseverance. With commitment, they go over all the huddles that they encounter and overcome all pitfalls that may belie their way. 

The length of time here is irrelevant. What matters is the outcome of the venture. For the lion, the result would be catching the prey. For the human race, the result is achieving whatever it is that we set out to accomplish as our objective.

My illiterate father, Asaah A Mbuh Fominka (aka Nkemamin), says that “God creates man and after birth, man completes the process of his creation.” I find this enormously exciting for my father who never saw the four walls of a classroom. Nevertheless, he is a talented philosopher/ psychologist. I came to understand that he was talking of personal development in every meaning of the word; character building, and every facet of knowledge and tangent information that uplifts the gods and guts of fulfilling a purposeful life.

By the same token, my illiterate father goes further to say in advising his children and kindred as follows: “your attitude or character will give you a father and a mother wherever you go.”  I have seen this proofed to be true over and over wherever I have gone and lived. I believe this philosophy holds true anywhere and everywhere in the world irrespective of the race and culture.

People are prone to accept and appreciate good and positive behavior and character. The attitude you portray gives signals to the people around you and that invariably influences the way they interact with   you and this goes back to the way you carry yourself-image.

Abraham Lincoln was such a humble yet very confident person. His humidity, personality and confidence gave him the aptitude and impetus to rise to an altitude that helped reshaped the mindset of slave masters, their proponents and beneficiaries and paved the way to the banishment of slavery and slave trade.

That would have been impossible without the impeccable and unshakable self confidence that he willed even in the face of adversity. In his own words he said as follows: “I desire to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, I come to lay down the reins of power, I have lost every other friend on Earth, I shall at least have one friend left and that friend shall be down inside me.”  This is clear exhibit of a man of character, resolute, steadfast and discipline. It is evidence of self confidence at its best.

Let me tell you a very personal story. Several years ago, I went with a friend to an embassy for a visa.  Aware of the long lines of visa seekers in that particular embassy, we left for the capital city, host of that embassy, one day in advance. We checked into a hotel where we spent the night.

By 4 am the following day, we were up, took our shower and got to the embassy by 5 am. We thought we would be the only early birds but to our greatest amazement we still found a long line of people. After spending about an hour in the long line, we finally got through the security screening process.  We gained access into the waiting area and occupied the two free seats.  As we sat waiting, I realized that there were two female interviewers.

I had a gut feeling that I could easily resonate with one of the ladies so I said to my friend that I would love to be interviewed by that lady. My friend said, “me too”. I sat next to my friend in the line where there were two other interviewees sitting before him; I was number four in the line.

 When you check in through the security officers, your passport is collected and later handed out to the interviewers.  Consequently, we did not know who of the two interviewers had whose passport.

 Before long, the two others completed their interviews and the lady I had wished and conjectured called my name. My friend concluded that he would surely be interviewed by the other lady. I could see my friend’s countenance sing with hopelessness and discourage as if to say;”he is the lucky one”.   

I was well dressed in suit and tie, well shaved and pretty much predisposed with the right measure or dose of self confidence. My self image was apart or in consonance with my appearance and my speech was pregnant with eloquence, goaded with creativity and imbued with pragmatism.

The set up of the interview area comprises of a waiting area, a cashier’s booth and the interview space. During the interview process, the interviewer seats in the innermost part adjoining the rest of the office space; a glass shield separates the innermost station from where the interviewee stands ready to go through what to some is an ordeal, to others a formality.

 Talking of first impression, I got it right. It was after noon already. The poor lady had not yet had the chance to eat. In a split second, I felt she was a little stressed up struggling to eat some polished Irish potatoes. I greeted her and immediately proceeded to say: “enjoy your meal madam”. She responded rather disappointingly: “I am not enjoying the meal”. I dared to ask: “why not?”  She said it was because she did not have the chance to eat since morning.

“You see madam; you are very blessed and lucky. There are so many people out there who do not have anything to do; yet you have more than enough to do so much so that you don’t even have the time to really sit down and eat”, I remarked.  “That’s so true”,   she responded smiling broadly.

Remember that those who do not understand the difference between arrogance and confidence will always be intimidated by confident people”.

The stage was set with a positive mindset and likeability. Among others things, she interviewed me on law and customs asking me rather trick questions on my training, experience and education. I had a short presentation on the devastating effects of HIV/AIDS on the county and especially the proliferation of orphans who have lost their parents to HIV/AIDS. In the paper, I was making a request for the county organization in the Diaspora to study the possibility of opening an orphanage to that effect.

The interviewer found it compelling on her to relate a story of a 9 and 11 year-old sisters she met in another country and who had tested HIV positive; an HIV positive adult had raped them apparently because in that society, they believed that they would be cured and cleansed of HIV/AIDS by having intercourse with a virgin.

The interview had taken a different hue and cue; a conversational mode. Being considerate, I realized that there was still quite number of interviewees waiting so I suggested: “it would appear that there are some people waiting to be interviewed Madam, might be we can end here and give them their fair chance!”  She heeded my advice and requested me to proceed to the next window and pay my visa fee.

When I went to that embassy, I was determined to have it all and so did I.I have never heard of a case where an interviewee closed a visa interview in that embassy but I did. I tell you this story not impress you but to impress upon you that if I can do it, you can do it. It is the question of putting on your confidence coat the way you want it to fit you. Of course, you must use your cards right. A careful blend of humor, care and candor will give you a darling cake at every stake.

How well you give a positive infectious first impression all depends on your self confidence. Build self confidence within and bring it without and wear it on your countenance. Make sure to give your first impression an indelible mark by consciously preparing what and how you will deliver to the factor; at the end, you will be the benefactor!
Oliver Temateh Asaah {OTA}